Okay, fellow tapeheads, let’s rewind to the glorious mid-90s direct-to-video aisle. Remember that feeling? Scanning rows of clamshells and cardboard sleeves, looking for that perfect slice of weekend action? Sometimes you struck gold, sometimes... well, sometimes you ended up with 1996’s Skyscraper. And you know what? There’s a certain charm even in that.
This flick landed squarely in the post-Die Hard boom, where seemingly every inanimate object could serve as the title and setting for an action film. Here, it’s the titular high-rise, and our unlikely hero isn't a grizzled cop but... a helicopter pilot? Played by none other than the late Anna Nicole Smith in her most prominent bid for action stardom. Yes, that Anna Nicole Smith. It’s a premise so audaciously 90s DTV it almost demands respect.
### Blondes Have More Fun... With Explosives?
The setup is pure formula, comforting in its predictability like putting on a worn-out flannel shirt. Smith plays Carrie Wink, a pilot whose side hustle involves rooftop transport for shady characters. When a deal involving a MacGuffin device goes sideways atop the titular Los Angeles skyscraper (cue dramatic establishing shots!), Carrie finds herself trapped inside with a ruthless gang of international terrorists led by the menacing Fairfax, played with steely-eyed intensity by real-life K-1 kickboxing legend Branko Cikatić. Her estranged husband, Gordon (Richard Steinmetz), a sensitive LAPD detective, is conveniently on the ground trying to figure things out. Sound familiar? Of course it does.
But let's be honest, we didn't rent Skyscraper for narrative originality. We rented it for the promise of low-budget mayhem and, perhaps morbidly, to see how Anna Nicole Smith handled herself amidst the squibs and shattered glass. And handle it she does... sort of. Her performance is, shall we say, earnest. She navigates the ludicrous plot twists and delivers lines like "Nobody messes with my chopper!" with a sincerity that’s almost endearing. It’s clear she’s giving it her all, even if action heroine wasn't her natural calling. Interestingly, the production reportedly insured Smith's famous physique for a hefty sum, a classic piece of mid-90s celebrity trivia that almost overshadowed the film itself.
### Practical Effects and Punishing Fights
Where Skyscraper delivers, in its own charmingly clunky way, is the action. This is pure, unadulterated 90s practical effects territory. Forget seamless CGI – we're talking visible stunt wires (maybe!), sparks flying from every bullet impact, and fireballs that look genuinely hot and dangerous because, well, they were. Director Raymond Martino, a veteran of the DTV action scene (Martino also helmed stuff like Da Vinci's War), knew how to stretch a budget. You get car chases that feel surprisingly grounded, shootouts in claustrophobic office spaces, and that satisfying thwack of stunt performers hitting the deck.
The real standout in the action department, though, is Branko Cikatić. Seeing the "Croatian Tiger," a legitimate heavyweight kickboxing champion who won the 1993 K-1 Grand Prix, unleash some of his power on screen adds a layer of brutal authenticity. His fight scenes feel genuinely dangerous, even if the choreography occasionally betrays the film's budget. Remember how real those punches and kicks felt back then, before everything got sped up and smoothed out? Cikatić brought that raw physicality.
Of course, it’s not all smooth sailing. The pacing can drag, the dialogue often clunks harder than a dropped ammo clip, and some of the "tense" moments rely heavily on characters staring intently at flickering monitors. And yes, the attempts to replicate the scale of Die Hard on what was clearly a fraction of the budget lead to some unintentionally funny moments – miniature work that looks like miniatures, explosions that feel slightly... contained. It's part of the VHS magic, isn't it? Seeing the seams, but appreciating the effort.
### A Relic of the Video Store Era
Skyscraper wasn't exactly embraced by critics upon its release, and it certainly didn't launch Anna Nicole Smith into the action stratosphere alongside Sigourney Weaver or Linda Hamilton. It was, and remains, a quintessential artifact of the direct-to-video market – a blatant riff on a blockbuster hit, built around a celebrity name, designed for maximum rental appeal on a Friday night. It likely made its modest budget back purely on video store revenues, fulfilling its destiny perfectly.
Does it hold up? Not in the way Die Hard or Speed do. But watching it now evokes a powerful sense of nostalgia for that specific time in movie history. It's a reminder of an era when practical effects reigned supreme, when star power could sometimes trump acting chops (at least in the DTV world), and when finding a hidden gem – or even a gloriously cheesy misfire – on the video store shelf felt like a minor victory. I distinctly remember seeing that cover art with Anna Nicole Smith brandishing a weapon against an exploding building and thinking, "Well, I have to see this."
Rating: 3/10
Justification: Look, let's be real. Judged purely as a film, Skyscraper is deeply flawed – derivative plot, questionable acting, budget limitations showing. However, bumping it up slightly from a rock-bottom score acknowledges the earnest effort, the genuine danger brought by Branko Cikatić, and the sheer nostalgic value as a time capsule of mid-90s DTV ambition and celebrity curiosity. It achieves a certain "so bad it's good" charm for dedicated fans of the era.
Final Thought: Skyscraper might be built on a shaky foundation, but for a certain kind of retro movie fan, watching Anna Nicole Smith take on terrorists with practical explosions popping off in the background is a glorious, fuzzy trip back to the peak VHS rental days – just don't expect architectural brilliance.