Alright, settle in, pop that tape in the VCR (you might need to adjust the tracking), and let's talk about a true artifact of the mid-80s rental boom: 1985's Malibu Express. If you haunted the action/adventure aisles of your local video store, chances are you came across this sun-drenched slice of glorious nonsense, perhaps lured in by the promise of fast cars, faster boats, and the unmistakable presence of a certain B-movie icon. This wasn't just a movie; for many of us, it was an introduction to the wonderfully weird world of director Andy Sidaris.
### The Sidaris Signature: Sun, Skin, and Small Arms Fire
Let's be upfront: Andy Sidaris wasn't aiming for Ozu. A former director of Wide World of Sports for ABC, Sidaris brought a unique sensibility to filmmaking – a sort of "anything goes as long as it looks cool (and involves explosions or bathing suits)" approach. Malibu Express is the genesis, the patient zero, for his legendary "Bullets, Bombs, and Babes" (BBB) cycle that would later give us gems like Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) and Picasso Trigger (1988). You can see the formula coalescing right here: a flimsy espionage plot, luxurious California locations, a square-jawed hero, deadly women, questionable dialogue, and action scenes that somehow manage to be both ludicrous and weirdly compelling.
The plot, such as it is, involves Cody Abilene, played by Darby Hinton. Yes, that Darby Hinton, Fess Parker's son from the Daniel Boone TV series, now all grown up and trying his hand as a private investigator. He’s hired by a mysterious government type (played with smarmy charm by Art Metrano, instantly recognizable as Mauser from the Police Academy sequels) to sniff out who's selling computer secrets that threaten national security. This investigation conveniently requires Cody to go undercover amidst the wealthy elite of Malibu, leading to encounters with treacherous billionaires, deadly assassins, and, naturally, a bevy of beautiful women who rarely seem burdened by excess clothing.
### Cody Abilene and the Contessa
Darby Hinton gives it the old college try as Cody. He looks the part of the rugged, slightly dopey hero, but let's just say dramatic nuance wasn't the prime directive here. He’s serviceable, navigating the increasingly absurd situations with a kind of earnest bewilderment. It’s fascinating seeing the former child star transition into this kind of action role, a path few took so... boldly.
But let's be real, the magnetic pole of this movie is the legendary Sybil Danning as Contessa Langretta. Danning, a veteran of European exploitation and sci-fi like Battle Beyond the Stars (1980), absolutely commands the screen whenever she appears. She radiates danger and glamour, fully embracing the campy Euro-villainess archetype. Does she have secrets? Is she involved in the techno-espionage? Does she have a penchant for elaborate weaponry and even more elaborate outfits? Yes, yes, and emphatically yes. Her presence elevates the proceedings considerably, reminding you why she was such a drive-in and VHS queen. Retro Fun Fact: Sidaris had a knack for casting, not just established B-movie stars like Danning, but also numerous Playboy Playmates and Penthouse Pets in prominent roles, a defining feature of his BBB films that certainly started turning heads with Malibu Express. It was part of the brand, for better or worse.
### That Glorious, Gritty 80s Action
Okay, the plot is wafer-thin, and the dialogue sometimes sounds like it was translated from another language using a Speak & Spell. But the action... this is where the Sidaris magic, and the specific charm of 80s low-budget filmmaking, kicks in. Forget slick CGI; we're talking pure practical effects here, baby! Remember how real those car crashes felt back then, even the slightly janky ones? Malibu Express delivers helicopter chases (with some obvious but charming model work), frantic boat pursuits that look genuinely dangerous, and shootouts where squibs burst with satisfyingly messy pops.
There's a raw, unpolished energy to it. When a car flips, you feel the metal crunching because, well, a stunt driver likely just flipped a real car. Sidaris, leaning on his sports-coverage background, knew how to frame these sequences for maximum impact, even on a limited budget. Retro Fun Fact: Sidaris often financed these films himself, sometimes through intricate deals, allowing him total creative control. This independence is likely why his films feel so distinctively... Sidaris. He wasn't answering to a nervous studio committee; he was making exactly the movie he wanted to make, complete with rocket-launcher-equipped dune buggies and surprisingly well-choreographed mayhem. Was that final boat explosion maybe a little too big for the scene? Probably, but wasn't it spectacular?
### A Product of Its Time, And Proud Of It
Look, Malibu Express is undeniably cheesy. It's packed with 80s synth music, questionable fashion choices, and enough T&A to make Hugh Hefner blush. The pacing can be uneven, and the central mystery isn't exactly John le Carré. It leans heavily into exploitation tropes that definitely feel dated today. But viewed through the lens of nostalgic affection, it's a fascinating time capsule. It represents a specific kind of unpretentious, fun-focused filmmaking that thrived on video store shelves. Critically ignored upon release, it found its audience late at night, fueled by pizza and the illicit thrill of renting something slightly disreputable. It’s the kind of movie you’d discover, maybe slightly embarrassed, but secretly thrilled by its sheer audacity.
Rating: 6/10
Why this score? Malibu Express is objectively flawed – the script is weak, the acting uneven (barring the glorious Danning), and its sexual politics are firmly stuck in 1985. However, it earns points for its sheer energetic commitment to its B-movie premise, the surprisingly punchy practical action sequences that defined the Sidaris style, and its undeniable status as a cult artifact that kicked off a uniquely bizarre and beloved action franchise. It delivers exactly what its cover promised, with zero apologies.
Final Thought: For pure, unadulterated 80s cheese served with a side of genuine explosions and California cool, Malibu Express is a first-class ticket on the Sidaris fun train – just remember to check your brain at the station. It’s a fuzzy, glorious reminder of when action movies felt a little more dangerous, a little less polished, and a whole lot wilder.