Alright, fellow tapeheads, dim the lights, adjust the tracking, and let’s rewind to a time when the video store shelves held wonders both glorious and… well, gloriously baffling. Remember scanning those rows, past the blockbusters, landing on a cover that made you do a double-take? Maybe it featured a certain multi-colored-haired basketball superstar decked out in Interpol gear. Yes, friends, we’re diving headfirst into the neon-soaked, utterly bizarre world of 1999’s Simon Sez.
You have to picture the scene: Dennis Rodman, fresh off his Chicago Bulls fame and a surprisingly watchable turn opposite Van Damme in Double Team (1997), was apparently deemed the next big action hero. The logic? Who knows, but it resulted in this Franco-American action-comedy hybrid landing on our shores, promising thrills, spills, and Rodman doing… Interpol stuff? Finding this VHS felt like discovering a rare, possibly radioactive artifact. What was this thing? Curiosity demanded a rental.
Rodman Takes Center Stage (Sort Of)
Let's be clear: Dennis Rodman isn't playing a character here so much as embodying "Dennis Rodman: International Man of Mystery Lite." As Simon, an Interpol agent stationed in the south of France (because, why not?), he sports his signature flamboyant style while engaging in espionage that feels less Mission: Impossible and more "mission: improbable." The plot involves rescuing the kidnapped daughter (the striking Emma Wiklund, known from the Taxi film series) of a wealthy businessman from a nefarious arms dealer, played with sneering villainy by Jérôme Pradon.
It's flimsy, sure, but the real "draw" – or perhaps the source of bewildered amusement – is watching Rodman attempt action heroics. He certainly looks the part in flashes, all imposing physique and outlandish outfits. But the line delivery? Let's just say it often lands with the subtlety of a missed free throw. It's fascinating, though, as a relic of that late-90s trend where studios threw athletes and musicians into action roles, hoping charisma would translate (results varied wildly, as we know). Retro Fun Fact: Rodman actually earned himself a triple crown at the Razzie Awards for this one: Worst New Star (shared with his Double Team performance), Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple (shared with himself, essentially). Ouch.
Enter the Goofballs
No self-respecting late-90s action-comedy would be complete without comic relief sidekicks, and Simon Sez delivers... a pair. Enter Nick Miranda (Dane Cook) and Micro (John Pinette), two bumbling monks-in-training (yes, really) who accidentally get entangled in Simon's mission. Seeing a pre-superstardom Dane Cook here is a trip; his manic energy is already present, though wildly untamed. And the late, great John Pinette brings his familiar gentle giant routine. Their shtick involves slapstick, misunderstandings, and generally getting in Simon’s way. Does it work? Sometimes, maybe? It mostly feels like padding between Rodman's attempts at cool poses and explosions. It’s definitely a "remember them when?" moment seeing these two future comedy headliners playing second fiddle to The Worm.
That Distinct Late-90s Action Sheen
Okay, let's talk action. Directed by Kevin Alyn Elders (whose directing credits are… sparse), the film tries to capture that high-energy Euro-action feel popularized by Luc Besson's productions. Retro Fun Fact: Filming took place on location in Nice, France, giving it a genuinely scenic backdrop that often looks better than the action happening in front of it. There are motorcycle chases, shootouts in picturesque villas, and plenty of explosions.
But how does it hold up? Well, it’s firmly rooted in its time. You can feel the transition happening between gritty practical stunts and the burgeoning (and often clunky) use of early CGI. Some of the physical work, particularly involving motorcycles, has that tangible weight we miss sometimes today. Remember how a simple car flip felt genuinely dangerous back then? There are moments that try for that raw energy. However, much of it feels a bit sluggishly edited and lacks the kinetic punch of its contemporaries like The Matrix (released the same year, which is just an unfair comparison, really). The pyrotechnics are real, sure, but the choreography often feels staged and uninspired. It’s action by numbers, punctuated by Rodman’s awkward quips.
A True Video Store Oddity
Simon Sez was, unsurprisingly, a critical and commercial flop. It barely made a dent at the box office, recouping only a fraction of its estimated $10 million budget. It quickly found its home, however, in the "New Releases" section of Blockbuster and Hollywood Video, destined for late-night viewings fueled by questionable snacks and lowered expectations. Does it deserve its lowly reputation? Mostly, yes. The script is nonsensical, the acting is uneven (to be generous), and the comedy often falls flat.
Yet… there’s something undeniably watchable about its sheer audacity. It’s a time capsule of bizarre casting decisions, late-90s fashion excesses, and action movie tropes served up with zero irony. Watching it again now evokes that specific feeling of channel-surfing late at night and landing on something so weird you just had to see how it ended. It’s not "good" in any traditional sense, but as a Simon Sez VHS memory, it’s a unique slice of pop culture weirdness.
VHS Heaven Rating: 3/10
The Verdict: Let's be honest, folks. Simon Sez is objectively a pretty bad movie. The plot is wafer-thin, the lead performance is wooden, and the comedy is often cringeworthy. The 3 points are awarded purely for the unintentional comedy, the time-capsule absurdity of Dennis Rodman as an action hero, the early Dane Cook/John Pinette appearances, and that specific late-90s, straight-to-video action vibe filmed against a lovely French backdrop.
Final Thought: Simon Sez is the movie equivalent of finding a knock-off action figure at a flea market – poorly painted, slightly misshapen, but possessing a strange, nostalgic charm precisely because of its flaws. Don't seek it out expecting Die Hard, but if you stumble upon it and are in the mood for peak 90s B-movie ridiculousness, well... Simon didn't say not to watch it.