Alright, settle back into that worn spot on the couch, maybe crack open a Tab soda if you can find one, because tonight on VHS Heaven, we’re diving headfirst into a glorious slab of pure 90s direct-to-video absurdity: Twin Sitters (1994). Forget slick, forget subtle. This is the era of neon windbreakers, questionable haircuts, and action heroes whose primary qualification was having biceps larger than the plot. And leading the charge? The one, the only, the utterly unique Barbarian Brothers.
### Double the Muscle, Double the... Babysitting?
Let’s be honest, the premise alone is a work of accidental genius, the kind of high-concept lunacy born from a fever dream in a Gold's Gym. Peter and David Falcone (Peter Paul and David Paul, playing characters bafflingly not named Barbarian) are two impossibly sculpted, bandana-loving, truck-driving caterers (yes, really) with hearts of gold and fists of granite. When a shady businessman fears for the lives of his equally shady twin nephews (Christian Cousins and Joseph Cousins), who does he hire for protection? Not seasoned bodyguards, oh no. He hires the Falcone twins, offering them a ludicrous sum of money to essentially become the world’s most overqualified – and potentially destructive – babysitters.
What follows is exactly the kind of chaos you’d expect, and frankly, hope for. The plot, penned by director John Paragon and, somewhat surprisingly, action veteran Sheldon Lettich (the man behind Van Damme staples like Bloodsport and Double Impact!), is merely a loose framework upon which to hang scenes of the brothers flexing, bickering, struggling with domestic chores, and occasionally punching villains through walls. It's Mr. Nanny meets Commando, filtered through a protein shake blender.
### The Barbarian Effect
Forget CGI, folks. The primary special effect in Twin Sitters is the sheer physical presence of the Paul brothers. These guys were walking, talking exaggerations of the 80s bodybuilding boom, a niche phenomenon carried into the 90s. Remember their earlier, aptly titled sword-and-sorcery outing, The Barbarians (1987)? They brought that same larger-than-life energy here, minus the loincloths (mostly). Their acting is… well, it’s enthusiastic! They have a certain charisma born from seeming completely unselfconscious about the ridiculousness of it all. Their dialogue often feels semi-improvised, bouncing off each other with the practiced rhythm of brothers who’ve likely been finishing each other’s sentences (and protein shakes) for years.
The action scenes? They're pure late-night cable fodder, full of slow-motion kicks, telegraphed punches, and henchmen seemingly made of balsa wood. There's a certain charm to the practical mayhem, though. When a car flips or a table shatters, you know it was a real car and a real table meeting a messy end, likely orchestrated by a stunt team running on fumes and adrenaline. It lacks the polish of today's hyper-edited sequences, sure, but it possesses a tangible weight – especially when one of the twins hurls a bad guy across the room like a sack of laundry. That felt real back then, didn't it? You could almost feel the impact through the fuzzy tracking lines on your CRT screen.
### A Slice of 90s Cheese, Directed by Jambi?
One of the most delightful bits of trivia surrounding Twin Sitters is its director. John Paragon not only helmed this B-movie classic and co-wrote it, but he also played the villainous lackey, Mr. Ratchet. But Paragon’s biggest claim to fame? He was Jambi the Genie (“Mekka Lekka Hi Mekka Hiney Ho!”) and Pterri the Pterodactyl on Pee-wee’s Playhouse! Knowing the guy who controlled the magic screen also orchestrated this symphony of bulging muscles and babysitting hijinks adds an extra layer of surreal enjoyment. It almost makes the film’s tonal whiplash – bouncing between slapstick comedy, surprisingly mean-spirited villains, and attempts at genuine heart – make a bizarre kind of sense.
The film is dripping with early 90s aesthetics, from the oversized suits worn by the villains to the brightly colored, pattern-clashing outfits the twins inexplicably favor. The twin boys they’re guarding are peak 90s movie brats – initially annoying, inevitably softened by the sheer force of the Falcones' personalities (and possibly their ability to bench press the family car). It’s a time capsule of a very specific, often mocked, but secretly beloved corner of pop culture. Did it set the box office on fire? Absolutely not. This was destined for the "New Releases" wall at Blockbuster and late-night movie slots, building a cult following among those who appreciated its unpretentious, muscle-bound silliness.
### Final Reps
Twin Sitters is not high art. It's not even consistently good in the traditional sense. The plot is thin, the acting is broad, and the humor is often juvenile. But damn it, is it entertaining? If you have a fondness for the unique charm of 90s direct-to-video action-comedies, absolutely. The Paul brothers are a spectacle unto themselves, a force of nature that transcends conventional acting metrics. It’s goofy, it’s loud, it’s got inexplicable identical twins everywhere, and it possesses an earnestness that’s hard to dislike.
VHS Heaven Rating: 6/10
Justification: The score reflects the film's undeniable B-movie status and technical shortcomings (thin plot, broad acting). However, it gets points for sheer novelty, the unique charisma of the Barbarian Brothers, some genuinely funny moments (intentional or not), and its value as a perfect slice of 90s DTV cheese. It delivers exactly what it promises: muscle-bound babysitting chaos.
Final Thought: Forget sophisticated thrills; Twin Sitters is the cinematic equivalent of finding forgotten candy in your couch cushions – maybe not nutritious, definitely a bit weird, but undeniably a sweet, silly treat from a bygone era. Fire up the VCR (or your favorite streaming equivalent) and enjoy the glorious absurdity.