Okay, fellow tapeheads, slide that worn cassette into the VCR, maybe give the tracking a little nudge, and settle in. Remember finding this one on the shelf? The cover art promised jungle adventure, a powerful heroine, maybe even a zebra-riding moment that defied logic but looked undeniably cool. We're talking about 1984's Sheena, a film that tried so hard to be an epic, landed somewhere else entirely, and yet… there’s something strangely captivating about revisiting it through our nostalgic VHS lens. It wasn't just another action flick; it was an attempt at something grand, filmed on location with a budget that screamed ambition, even if the final product whispered awkwardness.
### Into the Wild (and the Budget)
Let's get this out of the way: Sheena was a gamble. Columbia Pictures sank a reported $25 million into this jungle queen saga – serious money back then, probably north of $70 million in today's dollars. They dispatched director John Guillermin, a man no stranger to massive, sometimes troubled productions like The Towering Inferno (1974) and the Dino De Laurentiis King Kong (1976), to the wilds of Kenya for an authentic backdrop. And visually? They got their money's worth. The cinematography captures the breathtaking Kenyan landscapes beautifully, giving the film a sense of scale that many studio-bound adventures lacked. You can practically feel the heat haze shimmering off the savanna through your CRT screen.
The story follows the orphaned daughter of researchers, raised by the mystical Shamaness (Princess Elizabeth of Toro) of the fictional Zambouli tribe. She grows into Sheena (Tanya Roberts), gifted with a telepathic connection to the animals of her adopted homeland. Trouble arrives in the form of Prince Otwani (Trevor Thomas), who murders his brother, the King, and frames Sheena’s tribe, all while scheming with outside forces to exploit the land's resources. Caught in the middle are visiting TV news reporter Vic Casey (Ted Wass) and his cameraman Fletch (Donovan Scott), who become Sheena's unlikely allies.
### The Queen and Her Court
Tanya Roberts, fresh off The Beastmaster (1982) and just before her Bond girl turn in A View to a Kill (1985), certainly looked the part. She embodies the comic book origins (Sheena was actually one of the earliest female comic heroes, debuting way back in 1937!) with a statuesque presence and an earnestness that’s… well, very 80s. Her dialogue, often delivered with a wide-eyed sincerity, occasionally dips into the unintentionally hilarious, but you can't fault her commitment. Roberts reportedly endured grueling conditions, learning to ride horses (and yes, even that zebra, apparently a horse painted to look like one for some shots) and working extensively with the animal co-stars.
Ted Wass, more familiar from sitcoms like Soap and later Blossom, plays the cynical reporter turned love interest. His chemistry with Roberts is functional, providing the 'audience surrogate' reacting to the wonders (and dangers) of Sheena's world. Donovan Scott as Fletch offers some comic relief, though much of it feels a bit forced, a common trope in action-adventures of the era.
### Where the Wild Things (Actually) Are
Here's where Sheena earns its VHS Heaven stripes: the sheer audacity of its practical effects, particularly the animal work. Forget CGI critters; this film features real elephants, lions, rhinos, chimpanzees, flamingos, and, yes, that iconic zebra (or painted horse). Seeing Sheena summon hordes of animals to thwart the villains has a tangible quality that modern effects often lack. You know those were real trainers just off-camera, real animals performing complex actions. Was it clumsy sometimes? Absolutely. Does a charging rhino look slightly less menacing when you know it's probably just heading for a treat bucket? Maybe. But the effort involved is undeniable. Remember how impressive it seemed back then to see that many real animals interacting on screen?
The action sequences, while not reaching the heights of contemporary blockbusters like Raiders of the Lost Ark, have a grounded, physical feel. Stunt work, though perhaps not as polished as today's standards, involved real people taking real risks. The waterfall escape, the chases through the jungle – they possess a certain raw energy inherent to the era's filmmaking. This commitment to filming on location with real elements gives Sheena a texture you just don't find anymore. It feels dusty, humid, and occasionally dangerous in a way green screens rarely achieve.
### A Noble Effort, A Notorious Reception
Despite the epic scope, the exotic locales, and the unique premise, Sheena landed with a thud at the box office, recouping less than $6 million of its hefty budget. Critics were savage, and the film earned five Razzie Award nominations, including Worst Picture, Worst Actress for Roberts, Worst Director for Guillermin, Worst Screenplay (credited to Lorenzo Semple Jr. of Batman '66 and Flash Gordon '80 fame, alongside David Newman), and even Worst Musical Score for Richard Hartley. Ouch.
Looking back, it's easy to see why. The pacing is uneven, the dialogue frequently clunky ("Your Highness, you have dirt... sacred dirt!"), and the plot leans heavily on clichés. It tries to balance adventure, romance, political intrigue, and mystical elements, but never quite masters any of them. Yet, there's an undeniable charm in its ambition and its very 80s-ness. It’s a film made with sincerity, even if that sincerity sometimes translates to silliness. It wasn't trying to be campy; it genuinely aimed for grandeur.
***
Rating: 4/10
Justification: While visually ambitious with impressive location work and commendable practical animal stunts for its time, Sheena stumbles badly with a weak script, often wooden performances, and uneven pacing. It failed critically and commercially for valid reasons. However, for VHS Heaven dwellers, its earnestness, nostalgic 80s vibe, Tanya Roberts' iconic presence, and the sheer audacity of its practical effects give it a certain kitsch rewatch value, landing it just below the "so bad it's good" threshold into "fascinatingly flawed artifact" territory.
Final Take: Sheena is a time capsule – a slightly dusty, gloriously unsubtle, and ultimately doomed attempt at an epic jungle adventure, best enjoyed with tempered expectations and a fondness for the days when zebra-riding heroines felt like pure, unadulterated cinematic possibility, however goofy.